Know/Don’t Know

Things I do not know:

  1. What do to about Donald Trump.
  2. What not to do about Donald Trump.
  3. How to get people to stop shooting guns.
  4. How I feel about going to graduate school.
  5. If I’d rather fail at things, or succeed.
  6. If I’d rather never fall in love again, or not.
  7. If I will have a child.
  8. How I feel about leaving New York.
  9. How I feel about being in Kansas City.
  10. Why I keep moving around if I want to have a home.
  11. How I ended up so fucking broke at 41.
  12. Why my friend got laid off.
  13. Why playing with a little kid’s hair is so soothing.
  14. That I don’t know what I want to write about.
  15. Whether I don’t want to write because I don’t know what to say, or I think I have nothing to say.
  16. How to stay connected with, or let go, my former students.
  17. Why money doesn’t make people feel safe.
  18. When I want to do my freelance work, though I have the choice of doing it during any of the 24 hours in the world.
  19. Where I will ever, ever again find pants that make me feel good about wearing them.
  20. Or a summer skirt.
  21. How much of my bad mood is my normal moodiness, and how much is hearing that people got shot on the news, and that our democracy is crumbling.
  22. Why my 20-year-old cat is still alive and a glorious grouchy bitch who loves being alive.
  23. Why I have so much trouble transitioning that I can’t leave the house, or get anywhere on time, or, sometimes, take a damn shower.
  24. Why my writing has not been more successful.
  25. Why God doesn’t “fix” things, in any sense of fixing, I would be fine with.
  26. Whether I should designate one desk in the lovely little house for “creative” writing, and the other for work, or not.
  27. What might make me “happy.”
  28. If I would have loved Sartre, and wanted to sleep with him, or if, like many charismatic smart men, I would have been too suspicious of his charisma and been like, nah, he’d never talk to me.
  29. If the clothes I outgrew will fit again if I get more exercise.
  30. Why some friendships flourish, and some crap out.
  31. What kind of furniture I would buy if I ever actually had money to pick out and buy furniture.
  32. What car I would buy if, the same, because the Toyota Avalon only comes in an automatic.
  33. If I can buy or order a glass of rose, without the presumption of “it’s for other people.”
  34. If my friends will ever convince me to use hallucinogens.
  35. If I will ever again meet a man who is not married and gorgeous and I think, I want to talk and talk and talk with him.
  36. What my nieces and nephews will grow up to be, as humans beings.
  37. If I will ever remember to re-watch “The Gods Must Be Crazy.”
  38. If I will ever be pleased with how flexible my hamstrings are.
  39. If, at my funeral, anyone will talk about how I was a good tipper.
  40. How to sew my own skirts so they fucking fit me.
  41. Where I’d like to travel to next, and how on earth I will ever have the money to go there.
  42. To throw a dinner party.
  43. To do anything with makeup beyond putting on black mascara and eyeliner.
  44. If I want to kiss someone.
  45. How much interacting with the manicurist makes her feel like a person.
  46. How to sell myself.

Things I Do Know

  1. What I would like to drink, in any bar.
  2. The coffee I would like, and how.
  3. To throw a cocktail party.
  4. To parallel park.
  5. To write to my senators and representatives.
  6. At least three people to call if I feel the worst I have ever felt.
  7. If I want to hug someone.
  8. How to write an essay, a book, a poem.
  9. How to get kids to settle the fuck down.
  10. How to get most kids to read something or write something.
  11. How to sort out a family fight (eventually).
  12. How to get a drink, or dinner, or to travel, alone.
  13. The right pens to use.
  14. How to read standardized test directions in a fun and obnoxious way.
  15. How to get kids to pace themselves.
  16. How to set up a tent.
  17. How to get your car inspected by someone who will give you the sticker regardless.
  18. How to bake bread.
  19. How to not freak out when I can’t sleep.
  20. How to read and write.
  21. Several places in the world I feel inexplicably joyful and at home.
  22. How to not be too pushy.
  23. How to accept people.
  24. How to administer holy communion.
  25. How to behave in a religious service of really any kind.
  26. How to use public transit.
  27. How to go to any neighborhood.
  28. How to use chopsticks.
  29. The museums of New York City.
  30. The life of FDR.
  31. How to climb things.
  32. How to put on high heels when you feel terrible.
  33. How to drive with an open container.
  34. How to grade an essay.
  35. How to write curriculum.
  36. Yer basic English literature canon, dead white men edition.
  37. How to hold a baby.
  38. How to take ativan and get on an airplane without becoming lost forever.
  39. To stay still in the heat.
  40. To watch comedies regularly.
  41. How to go on a first date.
  42. How to swim.
  43. How to play the guitar (on a very basic level)
  44. I will live somewhere else in six weeks.
  45. How to buy fancy cheese, even though I don’t really eat it.
  46. Where to buy fancy chocolate.
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