This week: the social worker was trying to talk to this woman with her eye swollen out of her head, the woman was thrusting her cell phone at this very young social worker demanding she talk to her dad. The hospital security guards talked about what to have for dinner. A college girl from Columbia waited for her dad, and then her dad put his jacket over his face and lay down to wait. The receptionist called people to tell them what time to be there for their surgeries. A guy I wasn’t sure if he was homeless ate a banana and then he picked up all his stuff to leave and clearly he was homeless and keeping himself together very well.
I typed up a unit plan for the Aeneid and played Candy Crush until it wasn’t fun anymore and squinted because the light hurt my right eye. I was so pissed this was taking so long, waiting is one of my primary anxiety triggers, that is why I try always to be late for everything. All elsewhere around the city people were marching and chanting and yelling and lying down in streets because a cop who killed a guy had not been indicted. I saw one of their signs resting against a newspaper stand the next morning when I was walking to work.
Also this week: one of my students sat toward the back. Was trembling. I know what to do. At least not to make things worse. Sit next to. Pat on arm. Tell everything will be okay. Let friend take over. Compliment friend later when he rejoins class. Thank him. Go back and offer to listen to problem. Student tells me what I already know: cousin was stabbed, can’t get cousin on the phone. I told student you can’t use your phone in the hospital, I was sure cousin was fine.
I still haven’t really felt this. It takes time.
After spending last Friday night throwing up and hoping to throw up and wandering my dad’s house looking for some kind of medicine maybe I should take, I pulled myself out of my brother’s old bunk bed with the model planes flying above me and the giant stuffed pony on the top bunk watching me like some kind of creep to be driven to the Christmas tree farm where we talked with Jack Russell’s son (Jack Russell died last year) about the prospects for keeping the tree farm open, and how much water the baby trees need. My mother took the tree home, I went back to the bed with the model planes above it.
At church tonight we didn’t pray together for Eric Garner’s family, or the police, or the city, it is unusual for us not to be on something like this, but we are between priests. We did have Isaiah, though: “A voice says cry out! and I said, ‘What shall I cry? All people are grass, their constancy is like the flower of the field.” Or perhaps you would prefer: “Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her penalty is paid, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins.”
I heard our neighbors knew Eric Garner, went to barbecues with him.
I told people who were going to the protests that I hoped it would be fulfilling. I think it was like telling people I hoped a funeral would be good. Some funerals are better than others.
In my advisory, we watched the CNN video about the Garner verdict and I told my students black kids look like my kids to me. They talked some, too, and then they wanted to play Uno and loud music which I generally don’t like except for the new Beyonce song, that I might like. “Oh, my God, Ms Schurman, you know this song?” And we talked about the video, I liked it, she hated it.
I’ve been wearing my glasses for a week now, very unusual. I had eye problems that made doctors forbid me to wear contacts, but it’s been years. I used to put them in to go dancing, against medical advice, I couldn’t stand the idea of going out, dressed up, in glasses, I did not feel pretty in glasses, also the way we danced glasses would sweat or fly off my face. This week the problem has been that it has rained. Without an umbrella on Friday night it got hard to see, walking from the subway home. I just took them off. Nice, rain on your face, when it is not too cold and you know you are going home. I could hardly see at all, blurs of red tail lights and smears of yellow streetlight and none of the sidewalk cracks. I got there anyway.
Image: Spectacles, Met Museum Online collection, gift of Mr. Alfred M. F. Kiddle, 1940