The use of snow days, while intoxicating and restful, can become dangerous if it becomes habitual. Be aware of the following symptoms of snow day overdose:
1. The making of elaborate breakfasts: no more cereal. No more oatmeal. No more eggs! Okay, but French toast cooked in butter IS better than all those.
2. Knowing the news, and pondering it: another guy goes crazy and shoots a bunch of coworkers. (Just before this a guy shot up a Las Vegas courthouse.) People who aren’t American will be asking me again, “Why is it you Americans love to shoot each other so much?” And again I’ll have to say, “I really don’t know, but we sure do.”
3. Illogical behavior: now that I’ve got the car cleaned off, I think I’ll go back inside and forget the whole thing.
4. The TV droning on: “Wheel of Fortune” has some new rules I don’t understand. And don’t care to understand. After they removed that “shopping in a showcase” element, where you could “buy” your prizes, what was the point?
5. Too much time to observe pets: think the cat may have chronic fatigue.
6. Time for serious reading: Augustine’s theory of predestination. I can’t go with ya there, man. God picks people out? And it’s not that he doesn’t like you, it’s that he doesn’t NOT like you. Oops, sorry, you’re going to hell. It sounds like an explanation for why you don’t have to invite the whole class to your third-grade birthday party.
7. Dumb ideas: consider subscribing to the International Herald-Tribune instead of the Times…how sweet would that be?! I’m nowhere!
8. Panic over lack of entertainment: why football, why? Why “Jay Leno”? If only “The Hangover” had a commentary track, we’d be set. All I got is the “unrated version,” which just means “naked-for-comic-effect men.” Lame.
9. Uncharacteristic openness to the outside world: three times I actually answer the phone when it rings, without letting the answering machine screen it. This isn’t like me at all. Once, I even extend unnecessary conversation with someone who clearly needs to go.
10. Linen sorting: ragged cloth retired to “kitchen cleaning” from “hand towel” status. No taps, no nothing, just demotion. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, bud.