Have Two

 

            I have two stacks of vocabulary tests in my hands, standing at the front of the room, and one of my bolder students says, to delay things, “So, what’re you doin’ this weekend, Ms Schurman?”

“Well,” I say, “One of my friends is turning eighty today, and I’m going to his party.”  I try to generally portray myself as a dork at school.  There’s nothing worse than a cool teacher. 

“You have friends who are eighty?  And they have parties?” he says incredulously. 

“We have our coffee together,” I explain, as if this explains something.

My student shakes his bald head.  “That’s crazy,” he says.

“Everything inside your desk,” I say, and everyone groans.

Actually, Charles’ party looks like more fun than plenty of others I’ve been to.  I open a door in a boring strip center to see a mass of mostly white-haired guests.  Weaving through them to the buffet table, I notice that although their average age must be 70, they are laughing and downing white wine and beer like college kids.  Some people are wearing big buttons with photos of Charles at every age: baby, teenager, adult.  One of the photos, I notice, was taken at my birthday party, when Charles posed with a belly dancer.  He was only seventy-eight that year.

I had been invited by a mutual friend of Charles’ and mine—who is much closer to 30 than 80.  I find him by the buffet table.  Pete is tall, built like Superman, with big mitts of hands.  He climbs mountains.  He sells stocks.  Along with Charles, we’ve been idly chatting for about seven years over coffee.  I fill a plate, order a drink, and tell him that one of my coworkers just asked me out.  He advises me to meet the guy at a downtown bar wearing a miniskirt and red stilettos.  I thank him for this sage advice.

I find a table seated across from one of the octogenarians.  During the war, he and his friends used to steal shoes from downtown shops.  Used to take the streetcars that went over into Kansas City, Kansas, across a bridge without sides that scared the crap out of them, and they liked it.

Charles’s daughter comes over to meet me.  She has her father’s gregarious nature, and her mother’s dark hair.  I agree to encourage Charles to spend part of the winter in Florida.  The daughter is afraid that he will fall on the ice, alone.  I have worried about this, too.

People keep coming up to meet me and assuming I am Pete’s fiancé.  I ask him where his fiancé is, and he says, “Ah, we had a little falling out.”  I’m sorry I asked.  The charm of acquaintances is that you don’t have to go into your deeper miseries.

            A wrinkly woman stands up to give a toast, clinks her glass with a fork.  “I just want to tell Charles happy birthday, from the only woman here he hasn’t dated!”  Everyone laughs.  Another person greets me as Pete’s fiancé.

I go to say goodbye to Charles.  He tells me I am the prettiest girl in the room.  Wearing red lipstick always has this effect on him.  I told him I hoped to have an 80th birthday as great as his.

“I hope you have two!” he says, beaming.

Charles is on dialysis twice a week, and I’m going home alone, tipsy.  But eighty might be a good goal, after all.

You’re a Shark

I know you think you’re a dolphin, but I’m telling you, you’re a shark. 

 

Most humans think they are dolphins.  The ones who say they are sharks mean, “I’m on the prowl and I am relentless in a sexy way.”  They are probably lying about this.  People who are actually on the prowl and relentless don’t need to tell everyone they are like sharks.  They just kick your ass. 

 

But back to you: you are actually a shark.  Think about it: how cuddly are you?  You think you are cuddly, and clever, and peaceful, and intuitive.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, be honest: you are none of those things. 

 

I’m relying on a few pieces of research here to tell me about you.  In the last month, I have watched about twenty minutes of “Jaws” (I was interrupted) and an hour of “Jaws III” (I came in late).  From these two excerpts, I’ve learned that sharks make great villains.  You can’t see where they are coming from.  When they attack, it’s basically for no reason, and they get you and they disappear.  This very nearly describes the denouement of my failed relationships, both romantic and platonic.  When things go wrong, the issues appear suddenly and tear the thing apart with carnivorous zest. 

 

I learned from these films that people are constantly underestimating sharks.  Here’s this massive animal, famous for its size and vigor, and the first thing people always want to do is hold a meeting.  They want to float out in a boat that is about the same size as the shark, but floats lower in the water.  Someone might even be moved to try to inject Herr Shark with a dose of some somnambulant drug.  The ideas for how to deal with the shark become even lamer with the subsequent sequels, I assume, although you should recall I’m relying on data from only “Jaws” and “Jaws III.”  People are constantly underestimating you, too, aren’t they?  Haven’t you recently had a ridiculous argument with someone (let’s guess your sibling, significant other) that led you to burst out with some statement so aggressively absurd that you couldn’t fall asleep for wondering what mysterious ugliness overpowered your brain?  In “Jaws III” this underestimation finally leads people to actually climb into the holding tank with the captured shark and try to pet it and resucitate it.  Eventually, this leads to problems that oddly resemble my last car trip with my sister.  Confined to a small area, my fury awakened unexpectedly and… well, you know.

 

You may say, on a good day, that you are enlightened.  Think back without the rose-colored glasses, though.  When someone cut in front of you while driving, did you relax and chirp along on your way, swooping down along the road like a dolphin would in the current?  You didn’t.  I know this for sure.  You didn’t understand, deep in your cellular structure, that we are all connected, and that the person who cut ahead of you as if they had never been introduced to the concept of turn-taking and clearly thought that their time was way more important than yours, this person was actually as much you as you were yourself, and so it did not matter who went first or second, it was all completely the same thing.  Really this was not you.  You wanted to grab that person with your teeth by his or her jugular and shake them until they were pale.  You probably did not do this.  I hope you did not.  You just wanted to.

 

Are you intuitive?  Do you find the answers to your questions and problems just suddenly and when you are in a sweet haze of relaxation?  You might be more like a dolphin.  I’m more like a shark.  The worse I feel, the more ready I am to swim dully in circles until I get hungry enough to kill something.  About twice a year I am intuitive.  The rest of the year I am a shark.

 

I know that sometimes you feel smart.  Like if you wanted to communicate through brainwaves you could.  Like you are beyond the petty limitations of language.  Dolphins build these mysterious relationships with each other, and with people, and we have this idea that perhaps they are operating on a level above or beyond literal communication.  Sharks communicate with two methods: complete silence, and severe trauma.  I know how to work in the areas between those two, I guess.  However, I’ve been known to sit through the complaints and whining with polite silence until I have suddenly had enough, and then tell you to get the hell away from me.

 

I didn’t tell you all this to depress you.  It’s just that if you understand you are a shark, and not one of the dull pretty people who run away from them, you’re going to be quicker to forgive yourself.  You weren’t born a dolphin.  You probably ought to try to be more dolphin-like.  Just don’t be too hard on yourself.  Although we are genetically closer to the dolphins, we’ve got a lot of shark in our souls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hunt for Black Hawk Down

One thing that can really disrupt a long, luxurious shower is when you glance down and see a huge mercury black cockroach slide down the side of your tub into the ankle-deep water.  If you’re like me, you might scream bloody murder and leap out of the bathtub and try not to fall down, fleeing the scene.

 

And let’s say you might be leaning on the other side of the bathroom door now, naked and dripping wet.  You, a five-foot-eight homo sapien, you who are in control of many powerful technological wonders, are hiding behind a door from that possum-sized insect.  What are you going to do at this point?  You’re laughing, because it’s ridiculous…but you’re also trembling.

 

You’re thinking, that fucker is so fat and long he could be venomous.  His juiced-up torso is so slick and suave that he’s probably just gleefully sliding back and forth along the wet white porcelain bathtub bottom.  He’s probably making the happy noise that the demon horsemen screech in those “Lord of the Rings” movies.  When he finally slows to a stop, he’ll turn over onto his scratchy feet and skitter around exploring like he’s thinking of redecorating.  Some garbage in a vase over here.  Another spot of wet sludge, just symmetrical, would be nice.  Could we add some rotten vegetables or perhaps a fungus bed? 

 

Since I’m just wearing a towel at this point, I have to think of suiting up for the confrontation.  There’s a black t-shirt with pentagrams on it in my drawer.  It’s the only Satan-positive thing I own.  Yes, it might intimidate the enemy.  Jeans.  Sneakers—I don’t have combat boots anymore.  New Balance will have to be tough enough.

 

At this point, maybe a reasonable person would grab a shoe or a newspaper and tromp back in there and squash the roach.  Rather than following that conventional path, I decided it was time for an impotent surveillance mission.

 

Okay, now, open the door.  Open…open.  Where is he?  Peek around the shower curtain.  There he is!  Scream, slam the door shut.  Safe.  Was that even him?  That scraggly dark spot?  It could have been just a clump of cat hair. 

 

Now that I’ve taken a good look at him, perhaps I should come up with a strategy.  I don’t know that I can get violent with the guy.  I don’t have the force of a bar bouncer. I’m more of a Rasputin sort of woman.  Poison is the kind of elegant solution I’m looking for.  I mean, I try not to keep things in the house that are dangerous to children and other living things, but there might be something here.  Yes, I could definitely poison him.  It was a favorite maneuver in the Hamlet household.  And almost everybody ended up dead.

 

Let’s see…latex house paint?  Organic all-surface cleaner?  Palmolive?  Damn my hippie credos.  The only poison we have is vodka, and I’m not sure what will happen if I pour vodka on a roach.  I know I’m not wasting Beaujolais on this.

 

No, I see: Comet! It has bleach in it!  Bleach is dangerous—that’s why you can go blonde up top but not down below.  Comet, in its proud green can, with his boyish film of powder dulling his shiny flattop.  I’ve done this kind of thing before, Comet seems to whisper.  I turn it around, and Comet’s back pocket screams, “HAZARDOUS TO HUMANS AND DOMESTIC ANIMALS.”  Unfortunately, Comet does not specifically mention wild predatory animals, like roaches.  “CAUTION, Causes mild eye irritation,” he adds.  At least Comet might stun Mr. Roach.  From my brief surveillance, I would guess he had eyes.

 

I stand behind the door again, holding Comet’s torso like a nightstick.  Okay… go!  Throw open the door, hold out the canister.  That’s him!  I shake, shake, on him and he is only wiggling a little bit, what is wrong with him? 

 

His wiggling wiggling feet and his hair-sized antennae and is he experiencing “mild irritation”?  I’m not sure.  It could be anything from annoyance to agony.  Roach is fully sprinkled, looks like he’s covered with powdered toothpaste or mint-flavored cocaine.  Slam the door shut again.  Everything leaning on the ledge above the door falls on my head.

 

Sigh.  Lean over to pick up a painting and two little doodads that were balanced up above, with my hands shaking dramatically.  Hug myself across the pentagrams on my chest.  Shudder some more.  What am I doing with this Comet anyway?  Comet won’t seal the deal.

 

I should squish the roach. I should smash him.  No, I can’t possibly smash this bug.  It is too huge.  His thick date-shaped body is the scariest four inches square I’ve ever seen and if I squished him, which I should do, it would not be like neatly flattening a measly ant or a popping a bitty gnat or folding down a spider, it would be a juicy event– like crushing a big grape with your bare feet, it would go everywhere.  Instead of grape juice, it’s cockroach cocktail.

 

I can’t squish him, but what else can I do?  I could call for reinforcements.  Am I the sort of person who has to call for reinforcements when faced with the orange level?  My God, I am wearing a satanic t-shirt.  And I am one hundred times the size of the problem. 

 

Yes, I am that sort of person.  I go sit on the couch.  Get book of phone numbers.  Get phone.  Look at numbers of men I know.  Realize this is sexist, but truly none of the women I know will kill for me.  My two men friends who might go for it are already at work.  I don’t think they will be interested. 

 

My neighbors are gone for the day.  And I’ve never asked them to kill a bug for me.  We’re nodding neighbors, sitting on the porch neighbors, not crisis-intervention neighbors. I could call maintenance.  They usually show up within a day or two.  I could leave the shower running for twenty-four hours.  I don’t pay for that water anyhow.

 

Clearly, I could call my ex-boyfriend.  Calling him would signal my defeat as a feminist, my reliance on him emotionally despite the fact that that I hate him, and I love him, and I’m completely indifferent to him.  Or maybe it means I’m liberated enough to outsource my problem, and not sit on the couch for another hour letting to the shower run.  I call the ex.  He answers, listens, and agrees to come over.

 

While I wait for him, I write out a check for $20 so that I won’t have to thank him with sexual favors, and write neatly in the memo area, “nasty bug killing fee.”  I write his full name, all three pieces, which helps fill the time as the shower runs and runs.  I chew on the pen that I used to write the check…. 

 

He knocks!  I jump up and let him in.

 

“It’s in there,” I say.  Although my ex is a foot taller than Woody Allen, 25% less funny, and 80% less Jewish, this still is still too “Annie Hall” for me.  I hope he doesn’t have a new lady friend back at his house.  He bravely heads into the bathroom.  I run back to the couch and pull my knees to my chest.

 

A few long moments later, he emerges.  “It’s so big and scary!” he shrieks in falsetto, huddling against my closet door.

 

I frown.

 

“No, I got it.  He’s all gone.  But I had to hit him twice.  What was that crap all over him?”

 

“Oh.  Comet,” I say.  Maybe if you’re suddenly and deliberately attacked by a cockroach, you’ll just calmly step out of the bathroom and put on your robe.  Maybe you’ll grab a sneaker and whack it without a second thought.  If this is the case, I can only tell you: you may be missing out.