The Man Made Out of Wood

PINNOCHIO (opening of an almost-novel) There once was a man named Gepetto who lived with his loneliness every day. Loneliness slept in the corner and sighed and kept him awake. Gepetto became older; his hair grew in white, and his teeth wore down dull, and his ankles started creaking in the morning, and his lips […]

Have Two

I have two stacks of vocabulary tests in my hands, standing at the front of the room, and one of my bolder students says, to delay things, “So, what’re you doin’ this weekend, Ms Schurman?” “Well,” I say, “One of my friends is turning eighty today, and I’m going to his party.” I […]

You’re a Shark

I know you think you’re a dolphin, but I’m telling you, you’re a shark. Most humans think they are dolphins. The ones who say they are sharks mean, “I’m on the prowl and I am relentless in a sexy way.” They are probably lying about this. People who are actually on the prowl and […]

The Hunt for Black Hawk Down

One thing that can really disrupt a long, luxurious shower is when you glance down and see a huge mercury black cockroach slide down the side of your tub into the ankle-deep water. If you’re like me, you might scream bloody murder and leap out of the bathtub and try not to fall down, fleeing […]