My Shelfari book reviews

Perhaps you’d enjoy my pithy book reviews on Shelfari, which will not allow me to post my bookshelf any other way.

http://www.shelfari.com/o1517385490

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Contradictory Desires

 

I have the desire to plow out into the world and explore like crazy.  Go places I don’t belong.  Find countries outside and inside myself. 

 

Also me: I move into a new apartment.  Every day when I come home, I am seized with revulsion.  This is not my home.  My home is the way-too-small apartment I just left.  That’s where I live.  That’s where I’m refreshingly miserable.

 

You can ask me to run off to a foreign country and I will say yes.  This has happened three times.  Once an acquaintance said, hey, you want to go to Juarez Mexico and build a house in four days?  Okay, actually, this happened twice, but the second time it was a stranger who asked and said, hey, I hear you’ve been to Juarez Mexico and we want to build another house.  Another time my cousin emails, hey, you want to visit me in Qatar?  I’ll fly you over.  I say yes. 

 

Although I have eaten some Kraft macaroni and cheese in my new apartment, overindulgence in carbohydrates has its limits as a coping strategy.  Although twice in the last two weeks it seemed like a good idea for me to have three drinks in the course of one evening, raising my blood-alcohol level produces mixed results, too.  The first time, my exhaustion caught me with a snap and I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home.  (I wasn’t driving.)  The second time, I fell asleep on the couch.  When I woke up, my anxieties gushed back. 

 

I can act with such I’m-not-shitting-you power at times.  Only this afternoon I walked into a group of teenagers, gave them a relatively mild version of The Look, and they dispersed demurely.  The problem with such power is just like the alcohol problem.  Unpredictable results, inconsistent successes.

 

I can’t tell you how lovely the new place is.  It’s my favorite of all the places I have ever lived.  If only I could feel like it was real.  I was waiting for the first bath or the first dinner or the first weekend or cry or nap or floor-sweeping.  Now I’ve been through all those.  It’s so cute here, too.  Cute windows.  Walls painted my favorite colors.  Plenty of room to spread out.  Not so much room that it looms around.  Amazing lines.  I read about architecture while I’m here, and I’m like, yep, somebody designed this 104-year-old structure.  And I know the guy’s name.

 

I’m concerned.  What happened to Poor Lonely Liz She Lives in Poverty?  True: I still hear gunfire.  True: paint is peeling, windows do not shut properly.  But from some perspective, it seems I have to live with the fact that maybe I have a great, affordable place to live.  I miss Poor Lonely Liz.  I knew what she was about.  She was weak, tired, abandoned by everyone, easily freaked out.  She wasn’t going to score career coups like going to three all-expense-paid professional conferences in a year.  She wasn’t going to nourish her writerly ambitions by attending two retreats packed with supportive colleagues.

 

The trouble is, I guess, that I haven’t just moved geographically in the last year.  I wrestled with writing issues and relationship issues and career issues last year, ready to make some giant changes.  Although I tried to manipulate and force these changes, they actually crept up on me through the back door.  I threw myself at my old boyfriend in August, not really expecting anything.  But we kept spending time together.  I stuck with the yeses, and ended up thrown into another retreat, a new summer job, and a conference opportunity.  I’ve gone to present at another national conference, and am, titularly at least, the English Department Head.

 

When there is this much change, I’m like the Cowardly Lion.  Everything, no matter how good, makes me want to hide under the bed.  Everything seems scary, regardless of the fact that I was the one who got the ball rolling in the first place.  I see my career going zoom through high school English teacher ambitions, and I wonder, do I even want to keep doing this high school English teacher thing?  How much responsibility will I take on as a Master English Teacher?  Will my comfort and knowledge catch up to the expectations of my coworkers and boss?  And once that happens, won’t I be thrown back into a fit of boat-rocking again?  Once I felt comfortable at my old job, I moved on.  I needed more challenge. 

 

I need challenge.  I like to feel like I can bite my teeth into my job, bare my canines to show the task is impossible and I know it, then squeeze down my jaw on the task.  Shake it side to side.  Today I took the essays I needed to grade out to a coffeehouse.  Once I had read through them, I wanted to kill myself.  I was supposed to be getting these kids ready for college, and they are writing like Sarah Palin drunk on Ebonics.  Seriously.  What the hell was I supposed to do about that?  Not only do I not know, actually no one on planet Earth knows how to get kids who are at the bottom of the pecking order writing clearly and firmly.  I wanted to run away.  I went by the grocery store on the way back to work and bought a piece of pecan pie, to return to carbohydrate overload again. 

 

At least when I find a place to live, I know how to be comfortable.  That’s good news.  If I can just be patient and adjust to the new place, I won’t have the same itchy ambition about moving that I have in my creative life, my love life, my career.  When I find a spot to rest my head that feels like home, I’ll stick with that like nobody’s business.  Last time it was a mostly-sweet eight years. 

 

 

The Man Made Out of Wood

PINNOCHIO (opening of an almost-novel)

There once was a man named Gepetto who lived with his loneliness every day. Loneliness slept in the corner and sighed and kept him awake. Gepetto became older; his hair grew in white, and his teeth wore down dull, and his ankles started creaking in the morning, and his lips that were once sweet and rubbery became feathery, dry, and rude. He had always lived alone, in a woodshop where he made his money carving clock cases and inserting the works to sell them. The aloneness of the shop wore into him, until he could not face the continuing mornings of the worktable, and the coldness of his carving blades. The windows were closed when he came downstairs, and he began to leave them closed through the day.
On the worst morning, he could not proceed. He had managed to the breakfast table, to the dresser, and down the stairs, but once in the shop, he was useless. Loneliness had died in the corner, and was stinking up the whole place. In the precise location of his blankest hopelessness, Gepetto was graced by one idea.
His feet began to move, twitched with the slightest energy, suddenly. They took him to his woodpile, and his arms decided to get in on the act, dropping his withered hands around the choices, and lifting a few pieces of wood. Without permission from his broken heart, his renegade hands took delights in tool and subject, and he was fashioning an arm. A leg. Two legs. Another arm, a torso, and, cradling in one hand and slicing with another, he carved a loved face.
With hinges and screws, he put the small body together. He took out vials of paint and gave the sculpture proper shoes, proper clothes. It took him a good hour to finish the face: nostrils, curly ears, a glib mouth, and open eyes, irises blue as Gepetto’s own.
In fact, he had begun at his morning hour, and when he could look at the creation with satisfaction, it was dark night. He knew no one was watching, and so he lifted the wooden doll into his bowed arms. “If you—“ he said, since no one was listening. He touched the tan, wood-veined cheek he had sanded soft. “If you were—“ he held it closer, and the cheek matched the curve of his poor chest.

THE FIRE
I think the house was poorly designed. There were two gables in the top, Siamese twins. One set of eyes was Ellen’s bedroom, veiled in white gauze, and the other was her parents’ bathroom.
The front steps led up to a suggestion of a porch, with crude stone supports. No one ever put furniture out there, but sometimes someone sat on the steps.
The doorbell lit up, as if it had a soul, and when you pressed it, the chimes sounded lush. I rang it a few times before I left for San Diego—then I had a key of my own.
The house was built with sections of brick and siding. In the 50’s, the wooden parts were a hospital sea-green. In the ‘40s, the wood was a brown red, close to the brick. Finally, Ellen’s parents painted it white. The white of 1975 was bold in photos, but by the time I met Ellen, it had been blasted with dirty snow, autumn leaves, and clouds of pollen. It was the color of a Bedouin’s turban after a monthlong trek.
I met Ellen in the spring. Middleton has regular electrical storms in the spring, cracking the back of winter and shaking us all. The spring of 1997 was when I was finishing my undergraduate degree in the school of social work. I went to get a hamburger and read a textbook chapter, and Ellen was sitting with a friend of mine, in the table by the door. We all talked, and I didn’t read the chapter. Three weeks later, I saw her there again. I didn’t remember her name.
It was four years later, it was spring 2001, when lightning struck the house. This is how it burned: first the roof, which needed repair for a leak above the stairs. Then the attic started to get it, of course: Ellen’s unseasonable clothes, all her airy rayon and cotton sundresses, and leather sandals and t-shirts of every color, some with slogans, inside two yellow plastic bags. First the plastic had to melt, then the clothes could burn.
I think it spread to the master bedroom next because that leak in the center hall would keep the wood damp. It was also the easiest path because Ellen had spread out some sheets of aluminum and pipes, all stolen from construction sites, along the other side of the attic. Those wouldn’t burn well.
The master bedroom would go up in a rush: Ellen’s parents’ scrapbooks, her father’s collection of sheet music, and copies of the papers settling their estate, many carefully lettered in Ellen’s block writing.
The room Ellen and I slept in, that she shared with me, was on the other side. The windowsills, ceiling, and bookshelves were populated with her origami creatures, which all caught fire easily. Some dropped to the bed, and caught the blankets.
The downstairs burned, too: living room and piano, Ellen’s great-grandmother’s dining table, the pictures of vegetables framed in the kitchen, the dull-colored couch in the living room. Downstairs the trouble was the firefighters’ ammunition—everything ablaze was quickly asea.
We watched it burn, Ellen and I. Then I returned to California, this time to L.A. Ellen moved to the east coast. We didn’t see each other for a long time, though we wrote occasionally.