lonely

One feeling comes up regularly as I process the election results: loneliness.

I think a lot of people don’t consider the safety and well-being of their neighbors.

I think a lot of people don’t worry about the effect they have on others.

It’s just hard to absorb, for me, because I obsess about these things. (Many friends and family obsess about them also!)

The attack on the Capitol four years ago, I thought, almost every American would say, “This is so disturbing! That is special to us, a symbol of our country. We can’t ever let something like this happen again.”

A lot of people didn’t think that way. Millions of people.

Absorbing that is hard.

Today I got an email about what I was teaching, and it lit my anxiety fuse and the anxiety fireworks went hard like giant popcorn.

Why can’t anyone trust me to do my job after decades doing it why does everyone think I am not good at my job why are all these people employed to judge my work when there is so much work to do

I had a mostly calm and happy day today. My freshmen were pretty low maintenance, and got a lot done. My sophomores were 100% checked out, which was depressing, but bearable because they were quiet about it. Students have these protest days, and some protest all the time. Walk into class, put head down, check out.

Now’s a good time to go into how freaked out I am that so many American kids don’t go to school much at all. How there isn’t anyone to notice if they are abused or neglected.

No, let’s return. Why did I think American culture was so much less selfish than it is?

Answer #1: I have surrounded myself with generous people.

Answer #2: I thought many people who were raised or practicing “Christians” took seriously some of the crazy ideas of Jesus, like honoring the poor and sacrificing the self.

Answer #3: I’m pathologically optimistic. It’s a quality you need as a teacher, an ability to imagine how this kid could turn out. This kid could cure cancer. This kid could save old ladies and cats from the roofs of buildings in the event of a flood.

I’ve definitely overimagined at times, and overimagined that people close to me were really trying, or really had the best of intentions. That whole “when people show you who they are.” Things like “He’s trying to show up to events with my family and act like a human being,” or “She’s so upset she can’t help but lie to us about having cancer.”

You know. That kind of thing.

I’m selfish. Right? I sleep my sleep. I take my portion. It’s a feminist issue to take it.

If we can still use the “f” word.

I also deeply believe we are all connected, and our lives do not have meaning without connections to other human beings.

(There are a few monastics who live that hermit lifestyle, but honestly, even most hermits have some connections.)

Having connections to other people is so good. I can’t get across town without the help of the people who designed and built my car, the people who found the fossil fuels, the people who built the roads, the police who keep the roads from being war zones (most of the time, sigh), the people who built the traffic signals and the people who maintain them and the people who designed, built, and installed street signs and streetlights, the people who designed our flood control, the people who sold me my car, the people who set up my car loan, and… a lot of other people.

There isn’t any gaming the system: we need each other.

There isn’t any way around the fact that having safe, productive schools makes everyone safer.

Or that having medical professionals who believe that vaccines work means fewer people die.

Logic didn’t help us to not vote in the demagogue. Demagogues resist logic like crayons resist watercolor.

Emotion didn’t help us, either. When a demagogue sees your emotion, he mocks it.

Back and forth in emails, what curriculum to I HAVE TO follow, and to what extent can I adjust it to suit my students? Back and forth, what the people who observe teachers want to see. What paperwork I should complete.

When really, I have just enough energy to emotionally and academically handle the students and their needs. I don’t have a secret reserve for additional stuff. Sometimes I have. I don’t right now.

I have seen three deer since DT won the election.

The first, a buck who was crossing a neighborhood street slowly, so I could get a good look at him, and I was like, hell, yes, you look good! And I thought of Christ being represented as a white stag.

This morning I saw the other two, a larger female and a smaller female. I mean, they didn’t have antlers. They were also slowly crossing the street. Our school has some woods around it. We have a lot of deer, but it was still unusual for me to see three in a week’s time.

They do take your breath away, which is distraction and help.